There is something inside me that keeps telling me to share my story. I wonder if by doing it, someone out there will read it and help me? Or maybe someone out there can benefit by reading, Im not sure, but I do need help- I need lots of help.
I'm so excited, I get to see my kids in a few days, I havent seen them in months. Actually, I havent even talked to them in months. Their father refuses to answer the phone when I call. I just will keep fighting for every minute I get to see them, or even talk to them.Even though I know they hate me, I know somedaythey will learn what really happened, not just their fathers side of the story. When they get older I will let them read this - then they will know the truth.
My story begins with a stupid teenager (thats me). Now, my home life was far from perfect. Actually, if you looked in the dictionary under disfunctional, I would be there! My mother and father divorced, my mother went wild, my father ran away. I looked for stability. Unfortunatly, I found the wrong kind of stability.
I started dating a guy in high school. He was so cool at the time, he was the toughest dude in school, no one would mess with him, or his family, you know they would beat someone up just for looking at them wrong. I was so safe. Really, I had never felt safe before, it was kind of a good feeling. My sister hated him, my mother hated him, I think that made me like him that much more. After graduation, we moved in together. We did get along just fine, as long as I did what he told me to do, and I did it. He totally controlled my life. I changed into a person that I wish I had never become. I was hateful, bitter, mean, angry. I became one of them.
His family is from a little town, about 45 minutes from where I grew up. It is a horrible little town, the nightly ritual is to go to the bar, get drunk, and beat up the first person that you see. He fit in just fine, but I sure didnt. I hated living there, but he insisted, and I had to do what he said. We didnt have any money at the time, so his parents lent us $2,000. for a down payment on a dumpy little cabin. We fixed it up, and moved in. It actually was kinda cute. But, it was never mine, his parents owned it, because of the money thing - therefore they owned us. I was not allowed to have contact with my family, or any of my friends. I could only be around his family, or friends of his.
I had went to school for cosmetology, and was working in a salon, but there was contact with the opposite sex, and he did not approve. I was made to quit my job, and take on a babysitting job in my house. I was to make sure that dinner was done, and the house was spotless for him when he got home. After dinner, he would go to the bar and get drunk with his friends while I stayed home.
I tryed to leave him once, I packed everything I owned, and left, but I didnt have anywhere to go. My mother didnt have time for me, my father was in a brand new relationship, he didnt have time for me. My sister had moved out of state. I didnt have a job, I didnt have any money, I didnt have any friends to turn to. So I went back to him. I figured this is what Im supposed to do.
Well, I figured if I married him, and had a baby, at least I would have something. So thats what we did. I had a baby boy, the most precious baby in the world. He loved me, and I loved him. I did every thing for him, he so much as wimpered, and I was right there tending to his needs. I was going to be the perfect mother. I will never let anything harm him - ever!!!! He was a very collicy baby, so I didnt get much sleep. Mostly I was terrified because he would scream at me when the baby was crying. I would get uptight, the baby would cry harder. When I asked for help, his response was to look at his crotch, and say nope, Im not female, thats a womens job - you know like house work.
Well afew months went by and the husband decided it was time for me to go back to work. I started doing hair again, but I had to report to him often. If he called, I would have to drop what I was doing and answer the phone, or else there was hell to pay.
I was very skinny, and cute at the time, but he would tell me that I was fat, and ugly, he made sure that I had no self confidence at all. He criticized my clothes, hair, make up. He made me feel so bad, but I didnt know that. I really thought I was a horrible person. I really thought it was me.
A few years went by, I had made a few friends in town, One person I got to know was a pretty wealthy man, he and his wife owned a few business' in town, and I think they felt sorry for me. He made me one heck of a deal. He wanted me to open my own hair salon. He gave me the money, found me a building, and let me make him payments. If the business failed, I could walk, and he would absorb the loss. Well the husband was aganist it, but I think the idea of money made him agree. I opened my shop, and right away it was a success. I was so busy that I had to hire girls to help me out. I worked 9 - 12 hour days. I still was responsible though for the house work, etc.. It is a womans job you know.
About a year into my business, I was to the point that every one in town knew me, and liked me! He didnt like that, but he didnt say much.
I got to be friends with a man, who was very easy to talk to. He was quite a bit older than me, but we could talk and laugh about anything. I wasnt attracted to him, he was a friend. He came into my shop one day, and asked me to run away with him. He told me he loved me, and he told me what a wonderful person that he thought I was. I did not handle that very well. Actually, I ended up a very sick person. Fear, anxiety, confusion - I just kind of freaked out. I quit eating, I quit sleeping, I started drinking. I think at one point, I almost left with him. I didnt though, I was faithful and loyal to my husband. I had so much guilt though, even though I know that he had strayed at one time, before we got married.
Well I ended up getting pregnant again.His mother was not happy about the pregnancy, she wanted her daughter to have another baby, not me. She would call me on the phone and tell me that I was a whore, bitch etc... She said I was trying to destroy her family. I dont know why she did that. I did every thing to try to please her, and him, but it seems like the harded I tryed the worse it got. My husband then would yell at me - what did you do to make my mom mad? Needless to say the whole pregnancy was rough, alot of emotional issues.
I was making pretty good money, and so was he. We decided to find some property and build a new house.And thats what we did. We built the most beautiful house in town, He is a builder, so we got away with cheap, but wonderful. (I found out later that he had stole alot of stuff from the construction co. that he was working for.)That is just the kind of person that he is. We moved in to our new house, and I had a baby girl. Of course the most beautiful girl in the world, again I am going to be the perfect mother, to love and protect from the evil world. The husband made it very clear that this was HIS child, you know because she is a girl, daddys girl, and he was going to make sure that her and I would never be close. Of course he didnt change diapers, or feed her, but he did hold her alot, and completely ignored the fact that he had a son.
He decided that it was time for him to quit his job. He figured that I could get a second job, and he could help his friend get his business up and running. And thats what happened. I got a job at the school. I would start out at 4am, I would go to the school and shovel snow, then I would go home, get my bus and run a bus route. Then I would go back to my hair shop and work until it was time to run another bus route. Then back to the shop - close up, go home, cook dinner, clean the house, do laundry, bathe the children and put them to bed. Just in time to collapse on the couch, sleep a few hours then start all over again the next day. Even doing that, the money still wasnt there, He needed money to go out, and he smoked 2 packs of cigerettes a day, also. I did the best I could, but I ran up credit cards, and got behind on bills. He finally got a job, and of course it was all my fault that we fell behind.He would tell me that I was a horrible wife, and he still made sure to tell me as often as he could about how ugly I was, and how worthless I was. I still had no self esteem what so ever.
I had a lady come into my shop and offer to buy me out, I decided that I wanted out. I was going through some big time depression. I maybe was just wore out. So I sold the shop, payed off credit cards, got the other bills caught up, and went looking for another job. I also decide that I wanted to leave him again, but this time I decided to tell him. Well that was stupid. Does a controlling person just let someone walk out of their life? NO they dont. He explained to me that if I left him, then I would pay for the rest of my life. I would live a horrible life and he would make sure of it. He told me I could not make it on my own, and was not good enough to even hold down a real job. Nobody would want you, that was one thing that he made sure to tell me often.
I went to town, looking for a job, my sister had told me about one at the Doctors office, where she used to work. I went there, and they hired me. I had no experience, but just happened to be at the right place at the right time.
I put my notice in at the school, and within 2 weeks started working. I had to work the afternoon shift, which meant that I wasnt able to be home at dinner time. I didnt get home until 9 or 10 oclock. So he had to get the children dinner, and put them to bed. I started losing touch with them, but I knew that I needed to have this job, I wanted out and I needed the money. I met some really nice people there, they took me in and treated me like I belonged. I worked with one girl, who was in the same kind of situation, she was wanting to leave her husband, but was scared. We got to be good friends, we supported each other, listened - lent an ear or a shoulder depending on the day. I also met a Doctor, who really made me feel special. He worked late with me, and would come to my desk after he was done seeing his patients, and we would talk. We talked about every thing and anything, we knew how to make each other laugh. He began telling me that he thought I was a beautiful person inside and out. He would always make an effort to tell me what a good job I was doing, and what a great person that he thought I was. So I freaked out again! Its hard to go your whole life being told that youre stupid and worthless, then all the sudden have someone tell you the things he was telling me. I actuallly started believing him. For the first time in my life, I held my head up. I felt so good. I couldnt wait to wake up in the morning, and go to work. I couldnt wait to see my friends and be there to help people who were there because they were sick, and needed help. I felt so good. Then I would have to go home. I learned that if I drank on the way home, it made life easier for me to face the husband.
We found out that his father was not doing well, he had cancer, and the doctors didn t expect he would live long. His mother had passed away from cancer a couple of years ago. There was a lot of stress, tension, fighting - more than normal. Things were getting weird now, the rumors at work about me and the doctor, the husband, the sister, etc.. I was pushing every one away from me, I just think I started going into a deep depression.
We went away for a couple of days, to the hospital to stay with his father, my mother was staying at my house with my kids. When we got back I discovered that my mother had cut my daughters hair. It was very short, but it also was hair, it will grow back. My husband hit the roof, he started screaming at me, I put her up to it. I wanted my daughter to be ugly like me. He would look her in the eyes and tell her how ugly she was with the stupid hair cut. That brought back bad child memories of my mother screaming at me. I went into a deeper depression, I knew now there was nothing I could do. I went to work the next day, it was hard, but I did it. I had a horrible day, the patients were yelling, nothing was going right, I was still so upset - I sure didnt want to go home though. Finally it was that time, I left work, went to the beer store to get some liquid courage, and headed for home. It was storming out like crazy, snowing so hard, I could hardly see the road. Then it hit me, I dont want to live anymore. With that I looked up, and there was a semi truck coming at me. I swerved towards him, but he missed me. I know that my angels were watching over me, because he shouldnt have missed. I ended up in a snow bank instead. I continued on my way home, but I realized that I didnt want this life anymore, so time to make some changes.
The next morning, I sent my kids off to school as normal. I packed my car as full as I could with clothes, and just a few personal things. I went ot the school, and told them I was leaving with my kids, and they wont be back, I turned in their school books, and left. I went to my mothers house, she said I could stay there, but I had to help her get caught up on her bills. Well, she wasnt working, she was going through some issues (mental). Her husband had died, she had bariatric surgery, and I think she just kinda went nuts! She didnt pay any of her bills, and the bank was starting forclosure on her house. I told her I would help the best I could.
Well, needless to say when he got home and discovered I was gone, he went insane. He called my moms house, first mr. nice guy, then the threats. I had to take afew days off work, knowing I would not be able to handle it. I enrolled my children into their new school, and was actually getting pretty excited about my new life. I finally went back to work on a friday. He was watching me, so he knew when I left - he went to the house, and sweet talked my mom into letting him see the kids. He promised he would bring them right back, if he took them. Well, guess what, he didnt! He disappeared with my kids. My mother thought that was ok though, because he told her all about me, and my drinking problems, and how I was mentally disturbed, and he was so afraid for my childrens saftey, she believed everything he told her. He was good at that you know, he could look anyone in the eyes and lie, and make them believe him.
He was dating a girl that works at the court house in the county that he lived in, and she told him to get the kids, and he would win! That is exactly what happened. He seemed to vanish for about a month. In the mean time, I found an appartment, with my friend from work, the one who was going through the same thing. I tryed and tryed to get in touch with my kids, but couldnt.
He showed up at my work, and said, that he didnt want to fight anymore, all he wanted to do is get a divorce. So, if I sign off on the house and his fathers house, then he would give me the kids, and we could work together. So stupid stupid stupid me, I did. I even signed the divorce papers, saying I wouldnt go after anything. Well guess what? He disappeared again.(with my kids). I finally realized I needed help, so I hired an attorney. Things were not getting any better at all! He was harrassing me, at home, at work, I did get a PPO against him, and actually that made things worse. But, he always seemed to stay out of the way of the law.
Well now his father had passed away, and there were some legal issues with his house, and they wanted me to sign some more papers before the kids could get any of their money. My lawyer advised me not to, so I didnt. My lawyer also got me visitation rights with my kids, I was able to see them every other weekend now. They were brain washed by their dad by now though.Things were so different with them, they didnt talk, all they did was fight with each other. They were turning into little him. They had hate in their little eyes, I could tell that I was losing them fast, but I was trying as hard as I could. The courts would not listen to me, they were told by my ex that I abandoned them, and with his girlfiend working there, they were very much on his defense.( and for the record, he was seeing her while we were still married. She even pretended to be my friend). She would come into my shop, and get information, such as when I would be away from the house, and so on.
Well,now I have not only him, but his sister after me, because I wouldnt sign off on the house. It seemed that every place I went some one was there, they threatened me over and over. I was getting calls at work, and at home. He even came into my work place, and came over the desk after me. He kept yelling for me to go outside with him, so he could teach me a lesson. I was just about at the edge of a nervous break down. One of the Doctors that I worked with, saw me crying, so she took me into her office, and gave me some medication to help me calm down.
I decided it was time to get out, and try to have some fun. I needed to get my mind in a different place. My work was having a party, and I decided to go. I really didnt want to go alone, but what do you do? A friend of mine tried to get me a blind date, he said that he would meet me, but didnt want to go to the party. So I went alone. After the party, this guy had called me, wanting to meet up. I ended up going to his house that night, (long story there). We really hit it off right away. He was so the total opposite of the ex, I could see my self falling for him. And I did.We moved things along very quickly .
My friend that I lived with, was going to get back with her husband, and was moving out, I couldnt afford the rent alone, so I moved out as well. My mother was still in her house, so I moved back with her.Now my boyfriend, at the time was going through some bad luck of his own, his house had burned down, and he lost every thing that he owned. This was due to an ex girlfriend. Needless to say, neither one of us had alot of trust in the opposite sex. Major trust issues - both ways! Any way, he had his house rebuilt, but it cost way more than he had for insurance. So, he put the house for sale, and it did sell.
We decided to get an apartment together. We were having some pretty hard times, but all and all, things were good. We started buying things for our apartment, after all, between the two of us, we didnt have a pot to piss in (so to speak)!
I found out that I was pregnant, he was very happy, but I cryed alot, how could I bring a child into this mess that I live in. I was very sick, I found out that I had diabetes, and was taking insulin shots. I was having a hard time working, but I was doing the best I could. One day, I was on my way to work, and I was driving down a big hill where we lived, well I went to stop, and I had no brakes. I ended up running right through a red light, how I didnt get hit is beyond me. But I didnt. Some one had cut the brake lines! Another police report, another time I heard, well you cant prove it was them! My poor car, the attenna was cut off, the tires were slashed a couple of times, windows broke, and it was keyed from end to end. Well I finally had to go get a new car. And it stayed nice until they found out about it, then it started all over, my new car was a pile of scratched up junk just like the last one.
I ended up having a miscarriage, after the car incident. My nervers were shot! I went to the doctors to have an ultra sound to confirm the end of the pregnancy. Well, I was still pregnant after all, I did miscarry, but was still carrying two more babies! One of the babies had a nice strong heart beat, the other did not, so I was prepared to lose one more, and I did. The rest of the pregnancy I was so sick, and having still so much trouble with him and his sister. The sister would follow me when I went to his house to get the kids, and follow me back out of town. One time, she even drove at me head on, as if she would hit me. I ended up in the ditch, but not enough to where I couldnt get myself out. Another police report, another time where they got away with it. It was so bad that even when I would go to the local Walmart, they would follow me and yell out that I was a bitch, whore, etc... To the point where I was terrified to go into a store alone. I didnt go to his house alone anymore either. I would have a friend or a family member go with me.
At Christmas time, I went to the school to my daughters singing program, I went with my dad. They followed us out into the parking lot after the program, and threatened to kill me and my unborn baby. I know my dad heard all of this, but he said, well just ignore them, dont file another police report. He says, they like it when they know that it upsets you so bad. Well I did call the school, and they told me there was nothing they could do about it.
Now keep in mind that this small town that he lived in, he was king of the town. He went door to door and cryed to everyone that would listen to him about how I abandoned him and the kids, and how I cheated on him. He made me look like the most horrible person in the world, and himself like a saint. They all believed him, and stuck up for him. When I would go to town to get my kids the people would flip me off, call me names, threaten me. I finally got the courts to allow us to meet in a town half way, in front of a very busy, well lit store.
Our divorce has now become final, we ended up with joint custody, both physical and legal. He got every thing else. I asked for my grandmothers antiques, and a few personal things, but he of course fought that, he said I was being greedy. The judge did award these things to me, and he was to deliver them to me. He did, he pulled up to the front of my apartment and threw the things off into a snow bank, and making sure that everything was broken when he was done.
Well by now I wasnt working anymore, the Doctors have put me on bed rest. I was going to the Hospital 3Xs a week, for non stress tests, and for help with the diabetes.
Finally December 20, I had her! She is the most beautiful little girl. My other two kids were there with me also! The best day ever! The baby had some problems though, she stopped breathing, to the point where she was blue. They ran tests, and thank God every thing was OK, she did though have to wear monitors while she slept for several months.
Things are going well right now, they are not bothering us, we are seeing the children regularly now, our baby is doing great. We decided to get married, and buy a house.
Thats exactly what we did. The wedding was wonderful! The only problem was that my older two children cried the whole time, wedding and reception. They were scared to death that their dad was going to be mad at them for being there.And be mad that I got married. Well if only they would tell someone other than me this stuff. But they wont because they are terrified of him. And there is nothing I can do
I tried to fight for more custody, but was turned down, because of the living situation. The childrens school and all. I am now in debt with my lawyer for about 12,000 dollars. Im making payments, as much as I can.
We bought our first house together, not anything great. It was a cute little ranch, we were happy. It took along time for us to get the financing, but we did it.
My youngest started get sick again. She was at the doctors, and hospital all the time. They couldnt figure out what was wrong with her. A few months passed, and springtime has come. My children woke me up one morning screaming about something. I went to the bathroom to discover that mushrooms had popped up through the new floor, and the new tiles have fallen off the walls, and mushrooms were growing from the walls. Great, something else to deal with!! Well we started to investigate, and we discovered that the house was full of black mold. The first thing we did was to call the insurance company. They came out, did an investigation, and informed us that this mold has been there for a long time, therefore it is pre existing and not their responsibility. We then had a company come in and test the mold, and the air. We were advised by this company to move, they said they could actually condem our home. We were also advised by a second company that we hired to come out, not only that we should leave, but with only the shirts on our backs, no furniture nothing! afraid the mold has gotten into all of our belongings.
A friend of my aunts,who rents houses heard about our situation, and put us up in a beautiful rental home. We left our house, and stopped at the store on our way to the new house to get a couple of blow up beds. That was it, at least until the tests come back on our home.
The tests came back fairly soon, and they told us we could get our things, but we had to thouroughly steam clean everything and air dry, before putting into the new house.
We did end up losing some things, that had already picked up the mold.
Once again, we did the best we could, we tryed so hard to get the bank to work with us. We asked for a loan extension, we asked for delay of payments. Nothing, they refused to work with us. We did get a loan, from a good friend, to start working on the house. We completely stripped it, walls, ceilings, floors. We were to hire a company to come in and remove the mold. It was so very expensive though.Also, the ex found out we were working on the house, and told the building inspector that we didnt have any permits. We did get fines, and a nice threatening letter from mr. building inspector. So since when is it illegal to remodel the inside of your own home?
We were paying rent, house payment, and making payments on the loan we just got. It finally got to the point where we couldnt do anymore. We ran up several credit cards, even borrowed against my car.
We finally had to file bankruptcy, against the house. Now the bank wanted to help, but we couldnt get caught up, we were just way to deep in the hole .So once again we started on our journey of starting over.
Things were real good for the first year in the rental house, but still issues and emotional problems, a person can really only take so much before they begin to melt down.
We were seeing the children on a regular basis now, 3 weekends a month, and school vacations. My children were not the same, they were so angry and full of hate, they fought all the time. Money was the issue too. My husband and I fought alot. I finally couldnt take it anymore, so I moved out. I didnt really want a divorce, but I couldnt live like that anymore. He was all the time yelling at me, or the kids. The stress of everything was too overwelming, I felt like I was always placed in the middle of all. When I left, I found an apartment to rent, and of course the ex found out right away. He actually called my husband, and proceeded to tell him all about what a horrible person that I was, and how good that his life will be now without me. He also said that he would help my husband get custody of our baby, because I was such a horrible mother. Well, it wasnt long, and we did get back together. We started going to church, and counseling with the pastor. Things were so much better, but then my ex informed me that my husband was sneaking off during work hours and visiting an old friend. He claims old friend, but others have told me old girl friend. Well of course I believed it, you know I dont have much trust any more. We continued with our counseling sessions, I got to the point where I finally believed him. If he says it didnt happen then I have no choice but to believe it. Things were so great! We were seeing the children alot, I was even getting along with the ex. We decided to buy a house, we wanted something much bigger, now that the kids were there so much. We wanted to make them as happy as we could. We found the perfect house, right down the road from my sister. We instanly fell in love. So we moved in, things were better than great now. My son stayed with us all summer long. My daughter would come, but always wanted to go back, you know daddys girl, he still to this day spoils her beyond rotten. She believes every lie he tells her, and does whatever he tells her to do.
So can you believe that things are going to get bad again? They did!!!!!! With out getting into too much detail, my youngest daughter was sexually molested, I found out about this on Thanksgiving day( that used to be my favorite holiday, now I hate it)! Well the young man that did this was someone who we trusted, and would let into our home. We even had him babysit on occasion. Back to the trust thing, now I dont trust anybody - not just men any more. I had to turn him into the law, it was the hardest thing to do, knowing how bad that was to hurt him, and his family, but I had to protect my daughter. She had to go to the police department and give a statement. Now a four year old does not know about oral sex, ejaculation, and other things that she described in her story. The police officer told me that there was no possible way that she
could have made this up. So we proceeded to press charges against him. And things get worse! My ex. of course found out about this, and now my children are afraid of me, and they dont ever want to come to my house again. I did still have my rights, they were not taking away from a judge, so I would go to her house, or to her school on fridays to pick her up, and she was not there. She missed every friday at school, because her dad told her that if she went to school, she would be kidnapped by me, or i would have someone do it.
Christmas came and went, I would call and call, Didnt even get to talk to them. I bought them presents, but didnt get to give them. Every Friday I would call the school to see if she was there, one day she was!! So at noon I left work, got an order from the court saying I have joint custody, and Fri - Tues. visits with them. I went to the school, with the Sherrif as a back up, and took her home with me. She cried and cried, the principal didnt want to let her go, but he had no choice, I had the legal documents. Also, someone had called the Aunt, cause her and her husband were there. Of course my son was long gone by the time I got to his school. By the time I got home, my girls were having a wonderful time, singing laughing, being silly. The ex kept trying to call my cell, he was leaving very threatning messages, He would kill me if I didnt bring her home right now!! At one point and time he said was on his way to my house to get her. So I packed some bags, borrowed some money from my sister, and headed out of town.( turned the phone off). We had so much fun!! I dont remember having such a good time. She said the reason that she was crying at the school, was because she knows that she is going to be in trouble for coming to my house. I reasurred her it was ok, and her dad wouldnt be mad at her. We got back to my house on Sunday, and I had messages from him, Protective services, and the police.(From a different County this time.) I was being charged with kidnapping. Well I got all this taken care of, I had to send all the legal forms- faxed, but at least they let me. They all had to talk private to My daughters too, to make sure they were not being held against their will. I was going to take my daughter to school the next day, but she had been complaining during the weekend that she didnt feel very good. Sunday night she started running a fever and bad cough, so Monday I called the school, and took her into the Dr. ( the school of course informed me that there better be an excuse to keep her out) Well she had Bronchitis, probably had it for away. I gave the option of going back to her dads, or staying with me, and I would take her to school the next day. It was her choice to stay with me. So I drove her to school the next morning, it was very hard to do, but I followed the law.Little did I know that would be the last time I would see her!!
Again, just when you think it cant get worse, it sure does. I got a phone call at work shortly after from child protective services, they told me that they were doing an investigation on me, and I had to go home right now! They were there to ask some questions, they had been told about how I abuse my daughter, and were instructed to come and take her away from me. I actually had my sister go to her day care, and disappear with her, I couldnt lose her too. The complaints against me were just crazy. They were told that my house was a dump, that the children slept on the floor, that I had buckets of drugs sitting around, and that I would put pills in the food, so to poison the kids. The list goes on and on about all these horrible things. Well thank god that this guy could see through all the lies. He told me not to worry, that no way he believed any thing he was told. He also told me he was going to do an investigation on the ones who turned me in. I did see the names on the complaint forms of who filed this report. Surprise - It was the ex and his sister. The guy from cps not only interviewed me, my husband and my daughter, but he interviewed my 2 other children and their dad. He saw through the BS! He says those children are brain washed - afraid to talk - wont look you in the eye - kept changing their story. And so on. He told me he would testify in court on my behalf. So, I hired another attorney, borrowed more money, I thought this is it!! I will finally get my kids back - away from him. My attorney was one of the best in the town I lived in. He just didnt lose cases! Well the day arrived we were in court, and things were going so good, I just knew I was going to at least see them again on the weekends. Then they called in this counselor. OMG - she had seen my daughter maybe 4 times, and she was suddenly an expert in my life and my kids lives. She told the judge that my children were very afraid of me, she made me look like the most horrible piece of shit person that had ever lived. She didnt know me, she never even talked to me. She simply was going by the stories that the children were forced to tell. She didnt investigate, she didnt do a thing. She just simply told the judge that I was an unfit mother, and should have no contact with my children. I even gave the judge the report from CPS that said he believes that I not only should have my visitations back, but should persue soul custody!!!!! I got my parental rights taken away from me. I was no longer to have contact with the children unless it was in front of the counselor. So thats what happened. Once a month I could spend 1 hour with my kids. They watched me like a hawk. They were told that I was going to kidnap them, so they wathced every move I made. This went on for months. I started to get privelages such as weekly phone calls.( for only 30 mins), but better than nothing. Things were going very good. They didnt talk alot, but at least they knew that I still cared. I made sure that every single time I talked to them, I told them that I loved them, and I was here for them if they wanted to talk, or if they needed anything.
Mothers day was coming up, and I contacted the court, and counselor to ask if I could take them to dinner.They actually said it would be ok, in a public area of course. I called the ex and he said no, they dont want anything to do with you, they are afraid of you. I fought that one, and won, the Foc told him that I could spend 1 hour with them for M day. We picked and Ice cream place, and they showed up with his girlfriend. And she joined us, saying he didnt feel comfortable enough to leave me alone with them. I went home and cried for hours, what a horrible day. I called foc the next day, and like always they slapped his hand. They did however give permission for the kids to come to my house for 2 hours - ALL ALONE!! He fought and fought, but didnt do him any good this time.
The following weekend he dropped the kids off at my house, we had a good time, they acted strange, like they werent aloud to really talk to me, but I believe they had fun. At the time, of the visit, I was sick. I had just found out that I have diverticulitis, and I was in some pain. My daughter asked what was wrong and I told her I had a bad stomache, and it would be fine, I just had to watch better what I eat. I told her she smart, because she is not a snacker, doesnt like soda. She drinks alot of water, and eats veggies. Well that came back to slap me in the face. The next day, the ex went to foc and told them that during the visit I told my daughter that she was going to develop stomach cancer and die. And guess what - they believed him. I again lost all rights to see them, or talk to them. I was told that as soon as I took a physc. exam then maybe, I could see them again. I will have to pay thousands more to have the exams done, and thousands to hire another attorney. The last 2 lawyers still cant figure out what happened, and really dont want to go back!! Not that my kids arent worth it to me, but when does a person draw the line? This fight has been going on for 5 years. I am thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I cant go on, I simply cant fight him anymore. Not physically, mentally, or financially (after all i do still have to pay child support). In the course of the last 5 years I have gotten sick so much, my body is that of a 60+ year old. My immunity is shot, I do take meds on a daily basis - does help me to get through the days. I also have been in counseling, along with youngest daughter.
I decided to go on with life and focus on my daughter and my husband. I went to work everyday, I was starting to do good. Then I started getting calls again, at home and at work. He even called the house one day and my daughter answered the phone, and he asked her if she wanted to come to his house. My car got keyed at work again, that same day when I got home I noticed that someone had cut all my screen windows with a razor blade, even took a few of them out and layed them on the front porch.
This is never going to stop, he made it very clear to me that he was going to make my life a living hell - he won. Thats exaclty what has happened. He also made it very clear that he will not stop until he kills me.
I have thought many times about running away, but didnt want to leave my kids. But, I think this is the time to do it. Im no good to anyone if I continue to live in fear. Im never going to beat the system, or him. And the sad thing is that my children are suffering soooooo bad because of this. And the screwed up legal system - I will blame them for the rest of my life. They truely proved to me that there is no justice in the world. Its all about the mighty dollar. Those of us that dont have much, end up on the bottom. Those, like my ex get whatever they want - even at the expense of innocent people.
I prayed everyday that God would give the strength to go on, to find myself and go with it. Then I woke up one morning and decided to do it! Im going to sell my house and move far away, so they cant torture anymore. More bad news, my house was appraised at 214,000.00 when we got the loan. I owe 172,000.00. Now with the economy as bad as it is, its only worth 170,000.00. Well i put it on the market anyway. Not one bite in just under a year. So we listed with the real estate. Again no bites.
Christmas time rolls around, my husband is ready to lose his job. Well, I sure cant pay the bills with what I make. So we get deeper and deeper. The Mortgage co. does not help us - they really dont care. We are using credit cards to pay bills, and eat. Not the smartest, but it is a way to live when you need to.
We finally decided enough is enough, we are already getting threats from the Mortgage co about forclosure, so lets just go.
One problem, I have to get permission from the court, and the ex to leave the State. So I set a court date, the court decided to call in a mediator. I sure was not thrilled about this, cause every time I go there they chew me up and spit me out.
The ex had made sure that I was well aware of the fact that he is not going to allow me to leave.
Well the day of court - I have to be there 2 hours before he does to meet with the mediator. Well, I started to tell my story, and she is just in shock of all the things that have been happening to me. She cannot believe that the legal system is and has been allowing this to happen for this long. She says I should stay and fight, she thinks I can beat this. I explained to her I cant do it anymore. Again, she says I will help you, I believe this man needs to be in prison. I cried and cried, this is the first time that someone has listened to me, and has wanted, truely, wanted to help. Its too late now Im moving in 1 week. And Im terrified, because I know he is fighting it. She told me not to worry, she would make it so I can leave, if this is what I want to do. I told her it isnt what I want, I want my kids back. The law and the ex just beat the hell out of me, and it is what it is.
She did it - he signed the papers. I sat and cried through the whole mediation. This is just about where I am emotionally. She told me to contact her once I am settled, and ready to start again. I want to so bad, but I really need help. This is why I am sending this story out. I am begging for someone to help me.
Back to the beginning of the story - I get to see my kids today to say good bye. I am so excited to see them. It is now spring time and I even get to give them their Holloween, Christmas, Valentine, and Easter gifts. At the same time I am so nervous, I have to go alone, and of course it is supervised.
I am now living 950 miles away. I am finally setteled in, we both have jobs. We live in a very small apartment, but it will do for now. I am so deep in debt ( still paying lawyer bills, and all the money I had borrowed, child support, credit cards etc...) that I cant see the light, but I for the first time in years, I can sleep at night. I can even go to the local store without fearing for my life. What a wonderful feeling, but i sure do miss my kids. My son and I still have some contact through texting, but he cant text when his father is around or he will get in trouble. Also, since I moved my ex is trying really hard to get back into my family. He is trying to turn them against me again. The children are allowed to spend time with their Grandparents now, and actually, they call me when they are there. I know in my heart that some day they will be with me again. Until that day, I just live the best I can.